The Highs (and mostly lows) of Sharknado Week

It's "Sharknado Week" on SyFy. If you don't know what that means, basically it's a celebration of hideous shark movies in anticipation of the sixth and final installment of the king of B Shark Movies, "Sharknado," which airs Sunday. As an officianado and fan of these sorts of movies,  I've given it a whirl. Here's a look at the first five nights in all their "glory."

Night One: Sunday, August 12—"Deep Blue Sea 2"
Recognizeable Star: Michael Beach ("Third Watch," "The 100," "Pitch," and about 100 other shows)
About: This one was a sequel of sorts to "Deep Blue Sea," which was released in 1999 and is in the pantheon of the greatest shark movies ever. This one is, well, not good. Beach stars as a scientist experimenting on sharks at a special facility in the middle of the ocean. Things go terribly wrong from there — and that's just the acting. I kid, I kid. But, no, seriously, this movie was a god-awful mess.
Rating: One star out of 10.

Night Two: Monday, August 13—"Megalodon"
Recognizeable Star: Michael Madsen (Virginia Madsen's brother, "Kill Bill," "The Getaway")
About: So, this feels like a rip off since "The Meg" just hit theaters and this tries to tread on the same ground. Except it doesn't, because the story is way different. A Megalodon sinks a Russian submarine. Then a U.S. Destroyer finds the sub, tries to rescue the Russians to interrogate them, and their rescue sub gets swallowed whole. But then the rescue sub makes it out, and back aboard the ship. And while the Russians attack the U.S. sailors, the Megalodon tries to sink the ship. Oh, and, yeah, Madsen plays an Admiral who is on the ship for some reason, and also has long hair and a sloppy uniform. So, you know, totally believable. And he mostly does nothing until riding to the rescue. And this is probably a personal thing, but this movie obviously didn't have a fact checker because the ensignia for the First Officer was not that of a Commander (or Lt. Commander) though that's what they kept calling her.
Rating: Two stars out of 10.

Night Three: Tuesday, August 14—"Santa Jaws"
Recognizeable Star: None
About: I'm going to give this one credit for being a little original. It is a Christmas movie in the midst of a cheesy shark movie marathon. This one is about a kid who is frustrated with his family and draws a comic with a magic pen (he doesn't know the pen is magic). The comic is called Santa Jaws and is about a shark that eats everyone, and is drawn to Christmas stuff. The shark comes to life and starts to eat all his family and friends. Needless to say, that is sort of a bummer for Christmas Eve, so he springs into action. The effects here are terrible. But the story seemed a little unique and even though I had never seen any of these actors (and likely never will again) they really tried to sell this stuff. It was mildly enjoyable.
Rating: Three stars out of 10.

Night Four: Wednesday, August 15—"Frenzy"
Recognizeable Star: None
About: This is another one without any real known stars, but one that had a somewhat interesting plot. A pair of sisters, and their friends, are somehow making a living circling the globe and shooting viral travel videos. Their plan crashes, and a group of sharks makes a meal of the group in the middle of the ocean next to a secret island. One sister is left to fight the sharks after the group gets picked off one-by-one. And some flashbacks fill in their mostly forgettable backstory. I will say this film had some of the worst graphics and effects I've ever seen in my life. (I'm fairly sure the plan crashing into the ocean and to the bottom of the sea floor was a model in a tank.) But the story was somewhat interesting. The ending was criminally dumb, but it was a little more fun.
Rating: Three stars out of 10.

Night Five: Thursday, August 16—"Nightmare Shark"
Recognizeable Star: Thomas Ian Nicholas ("The Rookie," "American Pie"); Tony Amendola ("Once Upon A Time")
About: So this one is about a group of shark attack survivors plagued by nightmares where a shark comes after them. They all get recruited by a sketchy doctor (Amendola) to participate in a drug trial that will cure them. But he's not what he claims to be, and has a secret nefarious plan to bring the nightmare shark to life by enhancing these dreams with deadly consequences. This is an original concept. It felt like a more traditional horror movie, along the lines of "A Nightmare on Elm Street," except with sharks and a poorly crafted (and acted) story. But it did have a couple of stars. It was also dumb, especially the stupid and layered ending.
Rating: Two stars out of 10.

So, there you have it. Five nights down. There's no films this week, but the story of the six-headed shark comes Saturday before the big finale Sunday!