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Here's a look at the new films I saw this week.

The Expendables

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terry Crews, and Mickey Rourke

Synopsis: This film oozes testosterone, muscles, and PEDs. This is the film equivalent of watching an exhibition baseball game featuring Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmero, Sammy Sosa, Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, and Jose Canseco with Roger Clemens as the all time pitcher. You know it's probably fake, you know they're trying too hard to win your respect, you know you deserve better, but you can't take your eyes off it. This is cheese of the highest order in the writing, directing, and execution. Not to mention its an orgy of explosions and gratuitous violence in the final act with no real dramatic payoff. But that's the kind of film Stallone wanted to make. In some ways he is correct that it is a throw back to a different era of action films — but my question is whether any one missed them when they were gone? I guess the solid Box Office take so far indicates that they did, but I didn't. I don't know what I was expecting from this film, but it definitely produced something different. The acting and action sequences are fine, but nothing really special. Rourke, who found magic with "The Wrestler," attempts to give the film some gravitas with a few platitudes about honor in his few sequences, but that's not enough to give this film depth or provide emotional resonance. This is about alpha males worshipping each other at the alter of violence. If that's what you want in a film, you will be pleased. I do have to say, though, that Stallone is still pretty ripped and still pretty gifted considering how many years past his prime he is. In that respect, he's a chemically enhanced marvel.

Rating: R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language.

Verdict: Two stars out of four.

Piranha 3D

Starring: Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, Richard Dreyfuss, Steven R. McQueen, Jessica Szohr, and Jerry O'Connell

Synopsis: Thirty five years ago, Steven Spielberg gave the world its first major summer blockbuster with "Jaws." Based on the Peter Benchly novel, the film was expertly made and has been an enduring classic. Last Friday, French filmmaker Alexandre Aja continued his personal pursuit of destroying the notion of good taste by whizzing all over "Jaws" in the opening few moments of his re-make of "Piranha." Dreyfuss, playing Matt Hooper and singing the same song he, Quint and Chief Brody sang in "Jaws," serves as the first victim in this film. That sequence, though dumb, is probably the classiest moment in "Piranha." The only reason to see this movie is if you don't have access to pornography or if you live to see people dismembered in vicious ways. This movie deserves an NC-17, and it is a sad commentary on how far we've slipped as a society that this gets and R rating and, worse, that it's being praised by mainstream film critics as a salute to B movie classics. I guess it kind of is, but the whole aim of the film is to revel in debauchery, add in copious amounts of nudity, then wash it all down with horrifically violent images. The fact that so many actors of some repute agreed to be in this is another sign of the times. I knew the film would be violent — after all Aja already delivered the "Hills Have Eyes" re-make that featured pornographic levels of violence and degradation — but with this film he has added a new "Girls Gone Wild"-esque layer that makes it that much more repugnant. The fact the film is in 3D doesn't help, or maybe it does depending on your motivation for seeing the film. I generally like horror films, but this was too much even for me. I just think it goes way past the line of good taste, and does so with a smile and a wink expecting us to praise the film for its excess. I can't bring myself to do it. No one under 18 should be allowed to see this film, and most adults probably won't want to see it either.

Rating: R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use.

Verdict: Zero stars out of four.

The Switch

Starring: Jason Bateman, Patrick Wilson, Jeff Goldblum, Juliette Lewis, Thomas Robinson, and Jennifer Aniston

Synopsis: I already wrote about the deception in the marketing of this film, so I won't rehash that here. I will just say that those going into this film looking for a smart comedy will be disappointed. The plot is obvious, the jokes are telegraphed, and the chemistry between the leads is non-existent. It is too obvious to see where this film is going, and the characters and story are too flat for you to care. It is a giant misfire. Perhaps if the directors Josh Gordon and Will Speck ("Blades of Glory") had gone for a more slapstick feel, as they did with their last film, it might have worked better. But having this ridiculous of a narrative paired with a realistic setting just doesn't work. The best performance comes from Robinson, who plays young Sebastian. His scenes with Bateman are the most honest in the film and also the most engrossing. Aside from that, this is an exercise in patience as you wait for the film to arrive at its inevitable conclusion.

Rating: PG-13 for mature thematic content, sexual material including dialogue, some nudity, drug use and language.

Verdict: One star out of four.