Nothing good happens with chainsaws

"A chainsaw? As if things weren't bad enough already!" — Sheva Alomar

Those who are regular readers of this site or my Facebook page will know that if there is one thing in the world I don't care for (aside from the New York Yankees), it is chainsaws. That's because nothing good comes when a chainsaw is involved.

I have seen hundreds of horror movies. In fact, in college, I wrote a research paper on the evolution of slasher films. During that time I sat through just about every film in every major horror installment — save one. That one: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." No thanks, not doing it.

Jennifer Lawrence is a fantastic, gritty actress. And while I appreciated "Winter's Bone" for what it was, when the chainsaw came out, I left the room. I returned to catch the end once I was sure no one lost a limb. Still, it was a harrowing moment.

And what about Al Pacino's legendary performance in "Scarface." I've seen half the film, and that's all I'll probably ever see. The reason: the chainsaw came out and one of Al's buddies came apart. That was it, I'm out.

While I might have tolerated the jesting tone of chainsaw usage in the original "Evil Dead," the repeated use of that and an electric meat carver — something I will also now never own — was enough to cause me to briefly lose the will to live.

Even that picture above creeps me out. When you see chainsaws hanging around someone's house in a movie, you just know something terrible is about to take place. Sure, some might see them as innocent tools with a specific purpose. I see them as terrifying instruments of death and dismemberment. I can't even watch lumber sports because of that — and, well, because it's lumber sports.

The point is, you won't find any chainsaws here — either on my TV or hanging around waiting to do me damage.