Contrasting styles

This past week I went to a special leadership conference called The Global Leadership Summit. There are always great messages, and big ideas at this conference, and this year was no exception. But there was one idea that really resonated with me.

Susan Cain wrote a book called "Quiet." She's an introvert, and she did some research about introverts, what makes them tick, and how they can be productive in a world that doesn't value that. Since I scored a 10-0 on the Meyers Briggs when it came to Introvert vs. Extrovert (10-0 toward introvert), I was fascinated.

A big part of her talk was about how many introverts aren't recognized as such by peers and co-workers because they have learned to adapt to a world that wants people to be social and outspoken. This, too, resonated with me. As I told a co-worker at the conference, I'm a left-handed introvert, so I've had to adjust to the world a lot.

While I think it's good that work places start to value people who are different; people who don't thrive in group work and like quiet places to think. I couldn't help but reflect on the way I've had to recognize that what works for me doesn't work for my wife, Lindsay.

I am a strong introvert. I get energy from being alone, writing, watching movies, and just sitting quietly and thinking. Lindsay doesn't. One of the reasons I'm so grateful for her is that we're different. We compliment each other. She is strong in areas where I am uncomfortable, and visa-versa. But when we first moved here after our wedding, I didn't realize how much she was suffering.

She didn't have a job to go to and co-workers to talk with. I did, but that didn't mean that much to me. So I didn't understand why she wanted it so much. I had her when I needed someone to talk to, and then I had my solitude. I was all set. She was dying on the inside.

Lindsay probably isn't a 10-0 Extrovert — she likes reading and some alone time. But she's definitely not an introvert. She's a social person. That's a benefit to me in social situations, where she can be strong when I am uncomfortable and struggling.

When we first moved here, she was separated from family, without a job, and in a new marriage in a place she didn't know. For me, that was fine. I could probably spend a whole day not talking to anyone and feel refreshed. That's not the case for her.

Slowly I started to realize that if I didn't meet her half way, she wasn't going to make it. Going to dinner with friends, going to parties, or attending group gatherings doesn't give me strength, it makes me tired. But it has the opposite effect for her. All I focused on was what I needed, and I had to realize what that was doing to her. It wasn't just about meeting my needs, it was about being a partner and meeting her half way.

I loved the idea that Cain offered that companies need to realize that people work, learn, and interact in different ways, but that is true of introverts, too. It should be a partnership.